(Clang, clang,)

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please.

Introducing first, from the bloody red corner, weighing in at 16 ounces, it’s Prime Canadian Real Beef! Hailing from an Atlantic cattle farm, Real Beef is ranked number one on the barbecue.

In the green corner, weighing... weighing... “just patch him together and put him on the damn scales...” is Better Than Meat! The plant-based burger was born, raised, and did his training in a laboratory petri dish.

“Hope that petri dish didn’t give the kid a glass jaw!”

Real Beef is bobbing and weaving around in his corner, getting ready for the bout. He’s known for having a combination of protein, amino acids, healthy fat, and other good stuff.

Better Than Meat is chock full of nutrients and claims to be the answer to climate change and to saving the planet.... “Someone please tell the vegans to pour the kid into his trunks! And tell them that he’s gotta wear gloves!”

It’s just nerves folks, the plant-protein kid will be okay. His trainer is gonna give him some additives, so he can keep it together in the clinches.

“New Brunswick’s Yvon Durelle didn’t need additives when he was in the ring.”

There’s a huge crowd here tonight. Looks like a whole bunch of fight fans in aprons, waving spatulas.

And I see cattlemen, processors, scientists, restaurateurs, some government guys, and others here to support Real Beef.

And looks to be more than a few vegans, processors, restaurateurs, some more scientists, and a pizza maker rooting for Better Than Meat.

The opponents seem to be getting some last-minute advice.

“The guy who’s gonna save the world looks like he’s already been through a meat grinder. Hope he can make it to the second round.”

Ladies and gentlemen, you know most fighters are on stringent diets. It says here that Real Beef was pastured on marginal land and grazed on plants – low quality forage and grains – that people can’t eat.

Better Than Meat’s agent says the kid is made of proteins from rice, peas, and mung beans. And he’s got coconut oil, apple extract, and canola oil, and, and....

There’s the bell! Real Beef comes out swinging!

“You’d think with someone named Tyson in his camp that Better Than Meat would know to keep his fists up.”

Real Beef feints, then hits the plant-protein kid with a left jab! Then a right! He’s gonna make hamburger out of him! Beef throws an uppercut! And a right hook! Better Than Meat is on the ropes ... I think there’s a bit of him on the mat too. Are those peas?

“I’m getting too old for this (deleted)! It was bad enough when there were cans of cola duking it out in the ring.

“Now we’ve got problems in the dressing room. Nobody can find headgear large enough to fit the American fighting in tomorrow’s tariff trade match. It’s a damn good thing Howard Cosell isn’t around to see this!”

Editor’s Note:

We’d like to welcome Bruce Andrews, who brings his expertise to this edition’s Atlantic Market Report on page 20. Bruce is vice-president of operations at Atlantic Beef Products Inc. in Albany, P.E.I.